Staying Alive
by Jess J
Summary: If you doubted Viktor's true nature, you won't after this revelation. Viktor has a dark secret, and Kraven knews someone who would benefit greatly by knowing it. Kind of screws up the last half of the movie. First humor fic. Please r& r!


Author's note: OK, this is a stupid, pointless humor fic. Well, not pointless. It does have a point, and that is to humiliate Viktor, really. Which is a of course a good thing. It came about because I posted a picture of Bill Nighy (Viktor) in my live journal. It's from that movie Love Actually in which he plays this aging rock star. Well, in the picture, he's wearing what looks like this seventies disco outfit and is about to start doing moves straight out of Saturday Night Fever. And so, the DiscoViktor idea was born. Here is the result of it. Well, one of them anyway. Hope ya'll like it and think it's humorous!! As always with me, reviews are needed to keep me alive and semi-sane.

Disclaimer: I own nothing in this fic, except the idea. Bee Gees, Sony, Len Wiseman, Danny McBride, Kevin Grevioux, please don't sue me. And bring Michael Sheen back for more Lucian. Savvy?

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STAYING ALIVE

Viktor sat in his throne, waiting for Kraven's arrival. He sighed impatiently. He didn't have much time before he would have to deal with this whole mess with Selene and the lycan. He looked over at his Elder robe. Soon he would have to put that stiff, uncomfortable thing again. At least it made him look imposing.

"Here are the clothes you requested, my Lord," he heard Kraven say as he slowly entered the large chamber. "And the ,"

"Yes, yes, hurry up and bring them in here," Viktor said, exasperated. "Took you long enough," he muttered darkly. "Now, leave, and make sure all of the cameras are turned off, and nobody can hear what goes on in this room."

Kraven nodded. "Yes, my Lord." He turned to leave, struggling to hide the sly smile that threatened to expose him and his plan.

As soon as Kraven was gone, and the doors were again closed to the chamber, Viktor got up and grabbed the clothes Kraven had brought. Changing into them, he smiled at the soft material. Much more comfortable than that antique robe he always had to wear in public. And these wear of course ideal for his favorite pastime. He wondered how different the music was these days though, he hadn't been awakened at all during the nineties, only the twenties, fifties, seventies, and eighties.

Of course, if anyone found out about his secret awakenings and adventures during the twentieth century, he would be in quite a spot. But Kraven was too much a coward to tell.

Once he was fully dressed, he turned to the small music player - what were they called again? - and pressed play. He grinned as one of his favorite songs came on.

***

Kraven sat in the chair in the security room outside the Elders' chambers, grinning broadly. In a few hours, Lucian wouldn't be quite so pissed off about Viktor's premature awakening. No, he would probably be quite pleased about it, really.

Sometimes it paid to be Viktor's errand boy. And right now, he was finally getting that payoff. And what a wonderful payoff it was!

Kraven sighed. Too bad he didn't have any popcorn, this was incredibly entertaining.

***

Lucian sat in his room, going over the blueprints of Ordoghaz, waiting for word from Singe and the others, any news of what was going on. He wished he could go and find some random Death Dealer, rip them to shreds, and feed.

Viktor's early awakening had not put him in the best of moods.

"Lucian," Raze said from the doorway. "Kraven's here," he told the lycan leader.

Looking up quickly at that, his eyes narrowed. "I shouldn't be surprised," he muttered. "Probably frightened out of his wits to be near Viktor now," he said as he rose and walked out, Raze trailing not far behind.

"What is it, Kraven?" Lucian asked condescendingly as he entered the room where the aptly named vampire was waiting. Soren, the older yet lower stationed vampire Lucian knew quite well, - unfortunately- was standing behind the regent. "Scared to be in the same house as your sire?" he questioned sardonically.

Kraven simply grinned. "No, I came to show you something that will make you life," Kraven told him enigmatically. "Do you have a VCR and TV?" he asked.

Lucian stared at Kraven uncertainly, curious and confused of what could possibly be as good as Kraven said. He nodded finally, and lead the two bloods to a large room where the lycans often gathered and watched crappy vampire movies. Well, they also liked just regular crappy horror movies, and liked to nitpick and yell at the crappy werewolf ones.

"Give me the tape," Lucian told Kraven. At first the vampire glared, put out by the blatant command, but then did as the lycan said, handing him the tape. Lucian walked over to the VCR, pushing the tape in.

"You might want to call your pack, I think they will enjoy this as well," Kraven said, grinning yet again as if he knew some private joke that was about to become public.

Lucian turned to Raze. "Go and get the others," he told the lycan enforcer. He turned back to Kraven after Raze left, trying to figure out what it was that had Kraven in such a good mood. And to actually believe it would make Lucian and his clan so happy as well.

Once all of the lycans that hadn't been sent on watches or to try to find Michael Corvin were in the room, Lucian turned on the TV, then pressed play on the VCR. He stepped back, standing near Raze, his arms folded as he waited for whatever it was they were about to watch to start.

Suddenly, they saw Viktor, the oldest and strongest of all vampires, the very reason this war had started, in a dark blue outfit that looked like it had come from that seventies movie "Saturday Night Fever", dancing to the song "Staying Alive", by the Bee Gees.

Disco dancing. Viktor. In seventies disco clothing. Viktor. The Elder.

It only took five milliseconds for every single lycan in the room, including Lucian and Raze, to burst out laughing. Soon many were rolling on the floor, in tears as they struggled to breath in-between laughs. Soon the song changed to "Tragedy" - another song by the Bee Gees -, and the laughter doubled. Kraven and Soren were also laughing in a most undignified manner.

Lucian decided that Kraven had been right for once in his life. This more than made up for Viktor's premature awakening! _More_ than made up for it!!

***

Viktor sat in his throne, once again dressed in the stifling Elder robe he despised. He tapped his fingers impatiently, waiting for Kraven's arrival. He looked up when he heard someone enter, but it was Kahn, not Kraven.

"I sent for Kraven, and Selene as well," Viktor stated, annoyed.

Kahn bowed and nervously looked up at the angry Elder. "I know, my Lord, but we could not find Kraven, and Selene has escaped," the Death Dealer informed Viktor.

Pale blue eyes narrowed and Viktor nearly growled in anger. But before he could say anything, Kahn held out a folded up piece of paper.

"But the regent did leave this, to be read only by you," Kahn explained, and handed Viktor the note.

Taking it impatiently, he opened it and began reading. As he read, his skin become even paler than it already was, his eyes widening in what many could call utter terror. The note read:

__

My Lord Viktor,

I am certain you are wondering where I am. Well, for your information, I am in Lucian's - yes, Lucian is alive and well, I never killed him, you old prick - lair beneath the city. Or at least I will be by the time you read this. As you read this, we will most likely be watching the tape from the security room, of your peculiar pastime. Pardon me a moment, I must laugh my head off.

Ok, I'm back now. Well, Viktor, I cleaned up your messes too many times. I'm afraid this time my services will be lacking. But don't bother firing me, I quit. Anyway, Lucian will surely get a kick out of this video, and will probably put him in a VERY good mood. So, I sincerely doubt he would want to kill me now. You on the other hand, upon learning of my betrayal, would want to do worse than kill me, I'm sure.

Besides, I'm good at backstabbing, so if I feel threatened, I can just do it to Lucian. Well, I must go and give this lovely little present to Lucian and his lycans.

Staying Alive,

Kraven

"Tragedy! When you lose control and you got now soul it's Tragedy!"

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THE END?


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